Image of the year… me thinks.

So it’s come down to this.

Self-inflicted drama yet again, perhaps, but this weblog is accumulating too much blabnothings and the weight is bogging me down more and more each day. You know – psychological stuff. For what it’s worth, it’s been a good four-year run. Time for a fresh space.

I’m not shutting down the blog. Just not going to add on anymore posts… except for a private post-note, I think. Anyway, yes. The end. If a new blog should exist you’ll know where to source the new address from yours truly.

Here’s to twenty-ten.

This reunion consists of a few things:
- sleepover (that consists of moderated sleeping arrangements)
- movies (and/ or loads of TV-watching)
- real-time family drama (and our desperate attempts to remove selves from it)

But anyway that wasn’t quite the point. I never realised till last night that the story in The Holiday was kind of what I experienced in the past year. A couple of differences: 1) I didn’t swap homes/ lives with another person and most importantly 2) my ending didn’t come out of a Hollywood recipe.

I think there’s a part of me that has accepted the Art House way of life. Upfront, frank, blatant, raw and perpetually dissatisfying. If there’s one good thing about it (that makes this whole thing worth the ride and pain) is that it’s probably more real and earth-grounding than the counterpart.

One thing to take away, too, is the possibility that there never is an ending to anything without it being fused to another. The lines are blurry as and a lifetime achievement award should probably be introduced upon mastering the acceptance of this fact.

For now, it’s two days after Christmas, and deep inside my heart is breaking once again because the brother is going back to where life is better (in all honesty) and I’m once again left behind to fight the vacuum alone.

I’m running out of conceptual (and literal) images to display. Indefinite hiatus mode still on – and thoughts of ending this blog stronger than ever. New words, if any in the future, will most likely be housed under a new roof.

It’s about time.

So at two days to Christmas, I am putting forward a plead of insanity to my temporarily going off-the-blog. Self-inspection, revising my life, that type of stuff.

I might or might not end the blog, not that many would care, I’d think. The people who still update themselves with this place would know where to reach me. So adieu… for now.

p/s: An early Merry Christmas and Happy New Year’s to y’all too!

She said
I wanna live in a Lipstick Jungle
I wanna find what I’m searching for
I’m tired of rolling on stolen thunder
I just want something of my own

[chorus]
I’ve been thinking,
and I’ve been known to think too much
I’ve been drinking,
and it’s about time that I stopped
I’ve been sinking,
I don’t know what you know but
I know that she’s all I’ve got
So I’ll go
Yes I’ll go
Where she goes

She said
I wanna live in a Lipstick Jungle
I wanna be a million miles away
Coz we’re drifting in a fakeless tumble
I know that things’ll never be the same

[chorus]

[chorus 2]
And I wanna see the sun through her eyes
Wanna feel how she feels inside
Oh, as time flows by
Time flows by

She wants to live in a Lipstick Jungle
Chasing rainbows through a salty sky
She’s looking forward, dreaming she can’t handle
Falling on her as time flows by

[chorus 2]

To love and hold
She’s burning cold
The lights are on but she’s not home
Where the wind blows
I’d go Rolling Stone
I’ll follow her, can’t let her go

And all I know
Is what I don’t
And everyday another piece
of that I will unfold
My mind exposed
Is feeling lone
Tired excuses keep on
pushing me out of control

Hey
And I wanna see the sun through her eyes
Wanna feel what she feels inside
Oh as time flows by

And I wanna see the sun through her eyes
Wanna feel how she feels inside
Oh as time flows by
Time flows by

————————————

There was a quiet liberation settling in… and you had to come crawling back just when a smile finally surfaced from the deep darkness.

My only question is – were you sober?

This image is better enjoyed at its original size…

And it’s that time of the month again when I’d laugh one minute and cry the next because I let something (or rather someone) get into me. And hard as I try it’s hard to kick an age-old habit.

So my tears go from solid to gas.

What could’ve pissed me off so much during my sleep?

All I can say is that I was angry seeing you happy. I can’t live seeing you happy and it scares me knowing that what I really still feel about you is anger. It’s been three fucking months.

So there goes my head and my day. I didn’t even know a living human being is capable of recognising feelings on different levels of conscience.

Here’s a case of something-wrong-with-the-head.

Don’t even try to think about the end of the world. What if a circumstance were to happen that wouldn’t allow me to see the people that matter for one last time? Worse still, what if these people who matter are the ones I haven’t seen for a period of time? The whole geographical distance dawns once again and it’s one of those few rare times that I feel the oceans that separate me from so many different people I’ve crossed paths and trusted a piece of my heart with.

You know, strangely enough, no thanks to the movie featuring so much of mountainous landscape, all I could think of was you. You’re up there kissing the snow right about this second I’m making this blog entry, getting the high of your life in the middle of one of the beauties of nature. But what if that’s the last that I know of your whereabouts?

I’m not succumbing to the paranoia of the end of the world. Whatever happens, happens. But the thought of physical suffering and facing great disasters right before your death seems like a labourious way to pass on, that’s all.

Well, back to reality, I suppose. Still with the arrogant assumption that I will see the people in my mind again someday sooner or later.

The list starts right here in Jakarta, then Singapore and Melbourne and Brisbane, Malaysia, Basel, Dublin and Manchester and London, Seattle, Denver and last but definitely not least, New York… except for one particular thrill-seeking idiot who’s up in the mountains of Banff National Park, Alberta, Canada for the long Thanksgiving weekend.

Always makes me envious and nervous at the same time, that one.

You’re scared? Good. Because it means you’ve still got something to lose.

It’s been about three months now since… since the rest of the world and all its glory. I find myself once again experiencing the whole push-and-pull motion between the past and the present. My association with music is what holds me back, mostly.

Matt Wertz is still on top of the list of my regulars. And I forgot why I left Kate Nash behind because the album contains the countless times I shuttle back and forth the wet foothpaths between Broadway and 11th Avenue in May and June.

I’m putting Rob Thomas to rest for a little now in fear of breaking down – although really, my favourite Matt Wertz songs would bring similar effect. But anyway.

I’m back from a short holiday in Bali and crunching my way through three sets of interior images. Long story. My only proper shots of Bali itself is uh – a few shots of the folks + bro while having lunch post-photoshoot and the kecak dance as captured above.

Back to Matt Wertz. There’s another mini-epiphany in between listening to his live album I just downloaded. I think all the crap I’ve scored over the years within the love department is looking like tryouts. Not like an audition, but more of a tasting session. Friggin’ long one at that, for sure.

So the cheesy list starts: Can I handle love? Would I compromise? How do you think about yourself and about the other one without reducing yourself into a half? Am I growing with him?

It’s all a very arduous and slow process. That much is clear, I think.

And since I’m still single and haven’t even celebrated any personal/public important days with a significant other, I can only say that I probably can’t handle love in the long term just yet without losing my balance on life and the rest that goes with it.

So till then, the cassette is going to be on play/rewind/loop mode for a while till a new record comes up.

I think I’m a bug magnet. A grasshopper [or some other closely-related insect of similar size] hopped onto my nose last night on my way back from the Blue Bar where I’ve been tapping internet access from. Insexual harrasment in the dark, I say.

Monkeys are everywhere in Bali. They’re like the Indonesian equivalent of ‘roos, wallabies and wombats in Oz. Wild, free and road-loving. And one monkey did in fact take some man’s glasses on the footpath to the Kecak dance area this evening.

That said, the dance was my highlight of the day. Thank god for my ignoring the dampened mood. This family has never been and never will be made for holiday. And when I mean holiday I don’t mean sitting in the hotel room and staring at the bloody teevee from wake of the dawn to the high moon.

So. Kecak dance. It’s hard to explain. It involves about fifty men, and the dance is mostly done seated with non-stop body movement and acapella sounds. It’s amazing despite the 500-something throng of crowd. Of course, any one-hour traditional show has to have a story. It’s the story of Ramayana, I think. I’ve forgotten my History – so Google will become your and my saviour.

The holiday ends tomorrow. I’m still dreaming of that volcano hike and lake kayaking… Oh and shopping with some girlfriends that I’m missing terribly. I wish they’re here to rummage through shops and turn them upside down and try on dresses without buying much. I want that kind of holiday, see. But I guess, better than nothing, hey?

Shots of the kecak dance coming up soon. Probably the only proper shots of this whole holiday. The other three hundred-odd images are of the villas that I shot for whoeveritis.

Wonder where we could possibly go tomorrow. It’s clear that both boys of the household are completely content in sleeping in, eating and staring at the teevee some more.

p/s: I hate cellphones during holidays.

I am not kidding you.

I finished off the snorkeling session today blissfully, towelled myself and changed clothing. I knew I was tanned at the back, but check this out…

We stopped by a restaurant for an early dinner and I made a trip to the ladies’. I had to check out my bum because it started having that mild burn sensation midway through the 4-hour journey back to the Southern part of the island.

Yes, yes. My buttocks are indeed burnt.

Well, okay fine. Just half of each, since the swimsuit covers the other halves. Mamma mia.

That aside, that’s another item crossed off the list of must-dos. So – big grin plastered across my face!

p/s: I think the Illy Frap I glamorously had last night stole my sleep. Would truly be the first time coffee steals away rest from my body. Ah strangeness.

Let me try to explain myself.

So I’m on holiday, and I know for a fact that many would kill to be in my position right now. Free fast wi-fi (you don’t know how happy this makes me, thinking about the crap service I have in my Jakarta residence) connection in a fabuous resort hotel in Bali, sipping Illy frappucino at the hotel’s lounge with good live music and few people after a long day of photo shoot.

That spells like b.l.i.s.s.

Okay, so this is a family holiday but I’ve managed to steal little me-moments. Like now. But what I didn’t realise is that quiet moments leave me with more room for supressed thoughts to surface… and it doesn’t help by the fact that where I am – people go for the sun, sea and sand.

The three elements still remind me of you. In fact it reminds me especially of you because you were my beach boy. The whole lounge-around-with-music-in-the-summertime? You. Written all over it. Like anthrax lacing on a sweet present. Damn.

That aside, this holiday stint’s also allowed me to re-organize my head and make updates, reviews and re-distributions, so to speak. I am fully (and finally) conscious on how badly I was being treated for something that I had no power over. It wasn’t as much about the ending as much as the method of delivery. And I know I have my case won in this one – no room for arguments in this.

I deserve better. And for some reason I am confident, if for the first time in my life, that my time will come. I am paying my dues and one day it will be my turn to find a gem truly worth keeping, and that the feeling will be mutual and that will be it. So I’m paying my dues now and that’s okay. Because that’s how I ‘do’ my life. Have to get through the ‘non’ before finding the ‘si’. Ah.

So there. First Bali reflection – and hopefully not the only one. Images up in Facebook soon perhaps.

Tim McGraw’s She’s My Kind Of Rain started playing and I couldn’t help but think on how far I’ve come. Just so happens that this realisation comes at impeccable timing. My mind is pre-occupied today as it has always been since the moment I touched down in Jakarta that 17 August. But I found myself pre-occupied by another matter altogether… and I don’t know whether to be relieved, or to worry. Or should I, do I have to feel anything at all?

I’m feeling that good old all-too-familiar greenleaf anxiety when I finally acknowledge that something new is settling in. I try not to get my hopes up. Doesn’t mean I can control the jitters the way I do my hopes.

It’s funny how I found my love for the big city (very truly captured above) after I left it. Twenty-four-hour flight away. And it makes me choke everytime I see images of the city. The setting sun with the snow piling on the ground and the branches of Central Park. The setting sun over Williamsburg Bridge after a blistering day. The non-exhaustively breathtaking skyline.

My heart has grown. And I’d like to believe that it’s finally beginning to receive the treatment it deserves. It’s a slow and (I’m sure) painful process but what a friend once said is true. It could only get better from here on. And so I’ve noticed.

So I think I’m finally stumbling upon diamonds in the rough, one by one. I just have to figure out what to do with them…

… Even though I know that chances are they will eventually fall off of my hands.

six-fifteen with the sun rising
yes, I’m up up awake
putting distance to the cotton-stuffed bed

no gym regime today
collapsing on the busted spring bed
a natural instinct – a quick fix

seven, then eight ay am
up up up, no excuses
a fair notion – I’m almost procrastinating

but oi – I faced the book quarter to nine
and was shouted at two minutes in
my ‘help’ was required… right

when really, who needs three pairs of hands
detaching the hose off the hand pump?
and there goes my practice test

seven days looming
no mercy, no time-buying
no escape and no one to understand

because it’s all so easy, isn’t it?
taking an exam after years of absence
then you go and say are you sure?

clearly nothing satiates
so forgive me for destroying your pretty dream
you should’ve seen it coming

ten years and seven months ago

You have become a norm
like eating breakfast
washing my face
you, thoughts of you

Some days I’m convinced
by what accord, who knows
when my blue moon rises
I feel you thinking of me

Sixth sense, illusions
soul mates, connections
my first thought, and my last
do we have to remain in the past?

Oh what the hell she says
I just can’t win for losing
And she lays back down
Man there’s so many times
I don’t know what I’m doin’
Like I don’t know now

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Says it’s funny how the night
Can make you blind
I can just imagine
And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
But if she feels bad then I do too
So I let her be

[chorus]
And she says oooh
I can’t take no more
Her tears like diamonds on the floor
And her diamonds bring me down
Cause I can’t help her now
She’s down in it
She tried her best and now she can’t win
It’s hard to see them on the ground
Her diamonds falling down

She sits down and stares into the distance
And it takes all night
And I know I could break her concentration
But it don’t feel right

By the light of the moon
She rubs her eyes
Sits down on the bed and starts to cry
And there’s something less about her
And I don’t know what I’m supposed to do
So I sit down and I cry too
But don’t let her see

[chorus]

She shuts out the night
Tries to close her eyes
If she can find daylight
She’ll be alright
She’ll be alright
Just not tonight

[chorus]x2

***

I’m not particularly upset. Not particularly happy. Not anything much, really. All I know is that the calendar just turned to October and I’m that much further away to the adventures of the earlier part of the year – and as Americans would say it, I’m flippin’ out.

I hate to say this but I’m beginning to realise that I am a person who will never be satisfied. I’m that girl who sits restless until tied tight to the chair. The other side of the lawn will always be greener – and here’s the biggest catch: home is where it’s not the most comfortable of places.

The only rule to the game is that the place has to keep me on the edge of my seat. That means enough art and creative atmosphere, amongst many other ingredients.

So here I am. Getting more complacent by the day… and turning yellowish green like a wilting vegetable.

I don’t know what I’m suppose to do so I sit down and I cry too (but don’t let her see).

Places. People. All. Nothing. In between.
Nothing to lose.

Not quite enough for now, but it never will be.
So I rest my case – and hold on to what I can.

And I suppose, just like the heat and humidity, I find myself in a sticky situation. Annoying, bothersome, and worst of all – naturally unavoidable.

Ah the bittersweet life of an unemployed workaholic graduate.

Thinking back, thinking of you
Summertime, think it was June
Yeah think it was June
Laying back, head on the grass
Chewing gum, having some laughs
Yeah having some laughs

[chorus]
You made me feel like the one
You made me feel like the one
The one

Drinking back, drinking for two
Drinking with you
When drinking was new

Sleeping in the back of my car
We never went far
Didn’t need to go far

[chorus]x2

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

Wake up call, coffee and juice
Remembering you
What happened to you

I wonder if we’ll meet again
And talk about life since then
Talk about why did it end

[chorus]x2

I don’t know where we are going now
I don’t know where we are going now

So take a look at me now
So take a look at me now
So take a look at me now
So take a look at me now
So take a look at me now

And I, I wanted to tear down the curtains
To let, let in some natural light
I wake up and open one eye
And wait for the window to crack at me, alone

And I, I wanted to curl up beside you
And die, at least for an hour or more
Depending on how you react
Depending on how you respond to me
I’ll stick around

We’re kidding ourselves, kidding ourselves
So what do you want from me
‘Cause as long as there’s a payphone and a taxi cab
I’m alright ’cause I can leave home
We’re kidding ourselves kidding ourselves
So what are you waiting for
‘Cause even with a fast car and a cellphone
I won’t leave ’cause I’d be alone

So tonight, let’s be as bold as we want to
And drink, drink ’til we fall down the steps
Remember how that made us laugh
Remember how all that we did was laugh, and cry

Well, we’re kidding ourselves kidding ourselves
So what do you want from me
‘Cause as long as there’s a payphone and a taxi cab
I’m alright ’cause I can leave home
We’re kidding ourselves kidding ourselves
So what are you waiting for
‘Cause even on a bullet train or a jet plane
I won’t leave ’cause I’d be alone
And I’m lucky to find cardboard
in an alleyway that I can call home

So tonight, let’s be as bold as we want to run,
four eyes ohhh

We’re kidding ourselves kidding ourselves
So what do you want from me
‘Cause as long as there’s a payphone and a taxi cab
I’m alright ’cause I can leave home
We’re kidding ourselves kidding ourselves
So what are you waiting for
‘Cause even on a bullet train or a jet plane
I won’t leave ’cause I’d be alone
I’m lucky to find cardboard
in an alleyway that I can call home

So don’t take your eyes off me, don’t look away
I won’t be alone
At home

Third day into Melbourne revisitation and I feel as though I’ve never left at all. The only evidence that I did, of course, is the fact that my clothes are all compressed in vacuum bags and my room spanking clean of the clutters I usually live in.

Swanston Street still stretches from the North end of Melbourne Uni to Flinders Street. Straight down. It’s a quaint city as compared to countless others in this world and I can testify to that. Even the air – the crisp dry air – smells distinctively of Melbourne. Clean, a little aged but not as tarnished, free-flowing.

Yet despite all these I find myself a little torn between the kid that I was and the person I’ve found myself to become over the past eight months. Learning to put to rest all the grandiose acts as means of defense mechanism wasn’t easy and I’m still learning to keep it minimal. Some other teenage traits that I’ve left behind have now come back greeting me in the face and I’m not sure I can see clearly with these things distracting me.

Like it or not this city makes it so easy to say “let’s stay and get back to the old routine”. Because it’s all too easy. It’s familiar. I’ve been here for four years. Shame to say, of course, I rarely ever venture out of the CBD. I know how the local systems work, I know the local greetings and common social exchanges made on day-to-day basis.

I’m weighing that against the excitement of meeting people from all over the world (or should I say the Northern world) and finding out my limits as a person in a society where anything and everything is possible. It’s choosing between two options in which neither one is good nor bad. Just different.

So here I am. Indulging in the luxury of being able to fret over which way of life I’d like to trod.